: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
