What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Randomize
