using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
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