did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
