i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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