I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
