the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize
