last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
