Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
