I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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