So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
