quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
