I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
