Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
