please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
