Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
