god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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