my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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