He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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