There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
