My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
