guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I need moral support for this bender
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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