I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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