Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
