I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
