I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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