There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
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You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
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Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
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