I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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