I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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