so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i already hear my dad disowning me
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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