i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
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Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
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I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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