theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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