And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
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Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
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The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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