i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
