dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
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