I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
