I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
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