so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
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