i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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