you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
