theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
