So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
