I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Randomize
