the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
