You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
