I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
