my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
