If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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