you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
