like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
