Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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