Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
