i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
