True but thats because hes a fetus.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
