Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Randomize
