I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
