I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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