happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
