im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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