Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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