I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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