: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Randomize
