Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
