I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video