so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome