I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
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you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
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Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.